Ok so... BlueSuburbia is a project that's really close to me so this is going to be longer... thank you for reading! :)

BlueSuburbia was an interactive poetry book. You interact with the scenes and find written work hidden everywhere. The writing would change, and react, and adjust to what you did in the spaces. It was all fully animated, and kind of leaned in the Disney's Fantasia direction... Kind of interactive poetry meets feature animation... The art style was super polished.
For the time being, you can still check it out here... but it might go away soon.

BlueSuburbia was my first big "cult following" success. It had a large fanbase, and had some fan sites & corners of the web dedicated to it that I didn't make (fans made)... as well as making its rounds pretty much anywhere notable on the early web.
I remember it got included in the Yahoo directory (that was before search engines where really a thing), and I didn't even submit it to them.
When they were making this early database of Academy Award (Oscar) nominated films... This was an official site for the Academy and it was YEARS ago so I can't be specific but... they had a "test entry" and "Nathalie Lawhead, creator of BlueSuburbia" was listed in the credits of a fake Oscar nominated film (for database test purposes, I guess)... so it had fans everywhere.

It did really well, and I credit a lot of that success to the fact that I was fairly reclusive about myself online. It was hard to find out who made it, so people assumed that it was the work of a man. I got that a lot too. It was funny to watch people talk about "that guy is a genius".
Because of its success I was often invited to participate in early web tech conferences, and conventions. My career there was cut short because of fairly extreme biases toward women even being there at all.
It was a tough crowd that I don't remember fondly.
It's one of the early examples that I point to were people LOVED the work before they realized that a man didn't make it. Once they found out, success pretty much disappeared overnight. It was hard to watch, but that was my introduction to how pure sexism can be. I wrote about that here and here for what it's worth. Although lately I have come to see that being outgoing about what you experience just gets you shunned, muted, or unfollowed, more than it seems to do any good. I'm not sorry about speaking up, but I am sorry to see men react the way they do. I digress...
BlueSuburbia was a pretty big deal. It did give me a place in New Masters of Flash Volume 3. I know that talking about "the F word" is not cool, but at the time Flash, and especially that book series was massive. New Masters of Flash was published by Friends of Ed. The first book was pretty much a de facto coffee table book for any notable design agency's reading list. It was a big deal to be in it.
Interesting story tho was that I, and the only other woman in it, weren't even listed in the Amazon store listing at the time of relevance. Only the guy authors names where there. This was while it would have made a difference.
I was told that people wouldn't take technical books written by women seriously, and having a woman's name would hurt such books. It stings but at least it's honest. I don't like the gaslighting excuses that blame the quality of your work.

Aside from putting up with that, BlueSuburbia also ended up on the "gamer bro" radar and pulled in an unbearable amount of harassment. I thought it was OK at the time, but coming out of it, I see how messed up that was. To keep this short, I talk about it in this talk.
If how we treat artists interests you, then that's a good talk. Fairly hard earned observations I think.

While I was struggling pretty hard to get past all these things a larger game studio contacted me and wanted me to build an ARG for them as a marketing project for the game they were working on. They where impressed by BlueSuburbia and wanted something like it.
It was the "big break" I needed to shut all the haters up.
I worked really hard. Looking back it was almost inhuman. Video game companies are notorious for how poorly they treat their creative talent. I was desperate, and that was probably obvious, so I was really taken advantage of.
While working there I was in two ambulance rides to the ER, mostly from being overworked. I still came back to work after those episodes. I did talk to the boss about it, and he apologized and acknowledged how messed up the situation was. He made a big deal about how much they needed me, how grateful for the sacrifice, and kept pointing to my work on BlueSuburbia as something they really wanted. It wouldn't be possible without me. I was their ARG, etc...
Shortly before launch, which was after another major incident at the company. I was aiming to quit, and the boss talked me out of it. Looking back, it's so weird because he almost seemed like he would cry. I agreed to not quit.
I got an email from them, really JUST before launch, that I was fired... For really insulting reasons of not "putting my best foot forward", and that the quality of work wasn't up to par.
They launched the ARG and it was a fairly big hit. It made it into The Guardian, SXSW, and so many other places covered it... So it was obvious that quality of work had nothing to do with it. They refused to pay the final invoice, and this is still pending.
This company is also the one where this happened to me, so you can see that it's tied to some fairly traumatic experiences.
Interestingly enough a coworker that I met there, that was trying to get his company off the ground and re-vive an old FPS, contacted me and asked for an ARG for his thing. He was just starting the company, needed investors, etc...
I built it for him. Working there was probably the second most traumatic working experience in my life because the same person that did what I just linked to, also worked there in a position of authority... so he made sure I didn't stand a chance or had a future in games.
The second boss kept talking me into continuing to work too. I worked just as hard, slept by my computer, etc... at some point I totally broke down and had to quit. It was obvious that I was a nobody that they where taking advantage of.
After physically recovering, I noticed that they didn't pay some of the invoices. I contacted them about it and they threatened legal action for some fairly petty reasons... I did eventually get payed, but overall that's my experience of working with Big Important Men in games (most of these guys sold themselves as "legends").
So that was a lot, but I mention that because these are the experiences that BlueSuburbia is tied to. While going through all that I kept building on it, until I guess the passion for it just died. I realize how much you shouldn't let these things get to you, and the importance of perseverance, but I think part of me broke while working with these people. I eventually abandoned BlueSuburbia.

I really do want to pick it up again. After enough years of healing, I'm sure I'll be ready for it, but to be completely honest after all this... men in games terrify me. I don't want to be terrified of men. I want to be friends with men, trust them, be close to them, but after this experience in particular it's really hard for me to function in these "bigger" spaces (like GDC).
For example, I am just about finished with preparing my GDC talk, and I cried through most of the preparation. The thought of going to a game convention that one of my bosses goes to, and the fact that he still can't take "no I don't want anything to do with you" for an answer terrifies me.
The fact that people like Brandon Boyer can function here, and exist to the extent of the people they have hurt, and... just still be here, is mortifying. Part of me has to admit to myself that we just don't care about victims. The "cultural value" of the abusers far outweighs the value of OUR accomplishments, and contributions to this space.
I'm afraid because these are the men in charge of our success, and the ones organizing all the cool parties, and I HAVE to work with them in order to enjoy success too.
I don't know how to function here. That angry part of me wants justice for what I've been through. I want to see that composer fall hard on his ass and for his music to be removed from the games he composed for so I can finally play them without thinking about what he did to me... but that's just not the reality here. The reality here is that he matters more than someone like me. I wish I could mater. I wish I could speak up and name names, but I fully realize that if I did everyone would side with him. I would have to re-live that all over again, and it would probably end up with me killing myself. I can't face that alone again.
I'm still in contact with a few co-workers from that time, and to be honest I hate keeping that connection. I wish I had the courage to just cut all of that out of my life. I don't know why I can't or why I'm holding on to that.
I REALLY want to trust men. I want to be friends with them. I want to let my guard down around them. I want that connection... I don't think I know how anymore without being afraid. I suppose learning "how to trust while not trusting" is going to be a lifelong learning experience.

...I realize this is long, and if you're still reading this bless! Thank you.

BlueSuburbia is tied to all this, and that is why I abandoned it.

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